The journey is the thing.

Well I haven’t kept up with my goal to blog more often. So much has happened in the past 4 months. Life changing. I completed my Ancestry DNA, and was matched with my birth father’s sister Dorothy and her son, Robert. Email correspondences have happened and it has generally been a positive experience. Dorothy promised me she would stay in contact with me regardless if he wants to connect or not. I am thankful of this. She is supportive and apparently thinks highly of me. That means so much to me….her approval is comforting. May 22nd Dorothy informed him of my existence. He had no idea about me….apparently he took the news well and shed a tear or two.

I look at his pictures on Facebook through his wife’s profile. It is surreal to me how much I look like him. His eyes, nose, cheeks, smile, ears… wow. His two daughters share a likeness with me as well. I wonder if we will ever talk? His wife and daughter who live in Antigonish did not take the news of me well and I guess are having difficulty accepting that this had happened. Apparently the other family members were told too because of their behaviour towards Dorothy. They are excited about me and want to learn more.

At times I can’t believe that this is all my life story. Had I have not completed my DNA, I would have never known. In April I added my name to the Adoption Registry and have not heard any information back. I am not surprised. I know she hid me. I was a secret only her and her brother knew about. Not even her family…not even him. I wonder how she feels about me know. Does she think of me? Why would she tell false information on my social history report? What made her feel she had to keep this secret? Why did she know some information about my birth father’s background, but lied or made up others? Maybe she just wanted me to think that if she explained that he was adopted, it would somehow make me feel better and her story would make sense as because he was adopted, he’d support her in doing the same by placing me. I have always known that she wanted to keep me a secret. Why would she have gone all the way from Antigonish, Nova Scotia to St. Catharines to have me? The puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place now. I am understanding the ‘bigger picture’ now.

Funny how things are now. How if she didn’t make that decision to have me, place me, and leave me in St. Catharines, I probably wouldn’t live the life I do now. I wonder at times how things in my life have happened. The bigger plan so to speak. Why things work out or don’t work out, and how this is all about my soul’s journey. I want to awaken. I want to learn from all of this and get to my own truths, transformation and journey of self-discovery. I picked up a book called ‘Writing to Awaken’. It gives you prompts on how to journal your own story and how to expressively write while radically awakening yourself by doing this. I want to be committed to this. I want to write. I feel that I can learn a lot and want to capture my story. The truth of my journey.

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The dark veil has lifted.

Another maternity leave over. I can’t believe that Isaac is a year old. This has been one of the most rewarding times of my life. Also, difficult. PPD came again, just like it did with Nathan. In exactly the same way. 5 months post partum, feelings of anger, frustration, and irritability overwhelmed me. Luckily, the Women’s Health Concerns Clinic was there and supported me through it. 200mg of Zoloft, CBT, and counselling did the trick. It was one of the most difficult battles I’ve ever faced. I understand again what it is like to not have any sense of joy in my life. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, frustration, and irritability. Endlessly watching Netflix to pass the time. Not wanting to be with anyone or do anything. Laying in bed wishing it would all go away….

I am thankful the the dark veil has lifted now. Just in time before Christmas and my anxious return to work in one week. This Christmas I was most thankful to feel happiness again. True happiness and joy. Something I took for granted for a while and will remember not to ever again. This is why I decided to blog again. To capture the good moments and also difficult ones. CBT taught me the importance of writing down things and analyzing them. I am hoping that this will be a useful tool in that respect. My horse Skipper, going to the barn was the beginning of these wonderful feelings again. Even driving to the barn has become so enjoyable again. Listening to Tori and Neil. I feel like myself.

Hopefully I can commit to this fully. I forgot what it was like to have goals, to look forward to something. To actually want to DO something for myself…not just for the boys, or Chris, or any of my other responsibilities.

Some goals or resolutions I would say, are as follows for the new year:

-Blog daily or as much as I can

-Create ‘You are so loved’ card books for the boys

-Work on my symptoms of PCOS, weight loss, and mood

-Create some career goals; CBT, Certification in Peer Support, Research etc

-My wardrobe needs a major makeover, so does my hair!

-Clean, and purge house of things that no longer bring me joy, toys and baby items the boys don’t need or want, etc

-Organize my photos from my old computer by saving them to external hardrive

-Get my eyes checked this year

-Work on our marriage…date nights, communication, affection, and goals for our future (trips, money, what do we want accomplished)

That pretty much sums things up for right now. Im going to sit and watch some more Grey’s Anatomy until bed.

G’night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Broken and Wanting Answers.

That moment. When your body has broken down so much you consider going to the source. The 2 people in the world who brought you to life. To see if they can  help you navigate all the questions that have been inside you, waiting to be answered for 35 years.

Adoption, Depression & Anxiety & Mood, Hair loss, Obesity, Addiction, C-Section, Birth Trauma, Hemorrhaging, Manual Removal, Gallbladder, Sciatica, Body Breaking Down, No Periods or Ovulation, Hair Growth, Androgen Excess, PCOS, Infertility, Clomid, Broken.

To find my birth mother…she had a traumatic birth too. Do we share this in common as well?

Seeing my parents age, going through these health problems makes it more apparent that this may be something I need to consider now, more than ever. Talking with Mom tonight helped. I cried. She understood. It was said.

Now.. what to do.

 

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35th Birthday

Well my 35th birthday has come and gone. Dinner out with my coworkers, coming home to a rocket ship cake baked and decorated by Nathan and Chris, and an evening watching Downton Abbey sums it all up. We went to Mandarin with Mom and Dad, Uncle Steve, and Katerina & girls happened on the 27th. Came back to parents house and Kat had to go into hospital due to illness. Sunday evening, Nathan and I enjoyed a visit with Christina and Russ then to mom and dad’s for a sleepover for him.

35 wasn’t an easy number to be turning. Maybe it’s because doctors use that specific age in terms of risk for fertility and childbirth? Maybe it’s the half way mark until I am 40? All I know is I felt the same way when I turned 25….slightly. At least now, looking back over the past 10 years I have grown and learned so much about myself and life in general. A constant? …Chris. He has been my rock through all the ups and downs we have endured together and for that, I am grateful even if I don’t show him or tell him as often as I should.

 

Health: Has been pretty stable lately. Taking my metformin, aldactone, and folic acid. Periods have come back regularly so I am happy about that. They have been painful though and very heavy, but I am counting down the periods until I am pregnant again!

Goals: Sign IG transfer papers for our finances. Get rid of our debt by remortgaging our house. It will feel amazing to start fresh with this pregnancy and not have that hanging over us. We can then put our money we were paying off debt with into savings! win/win.

Homeowners (house, bills, happenings around 100 Athenia Dr.): Well we were ‘almost’ scammed by Reliance with our furnace. What a lesson we learned! It was horrible and rushed because that night was the biggest snow storm of the season. I ran over to Mike our neighbour and thank god I did. He came over, checked everything out and turned it back on. We have heat now and no emissions. Needless to say we are going to get a new AC and furnace, but we are going to get one through him, do it right, and for at least 7000 dollars cheaper!

Our Life (updates on things happening to our family, current/past events, memorable moments): We have divided up the chores and it has been a relief. I feel things are slipping a bit, so I am hoping Chris and I can talk again about who does what. I feel less stressed when I know things are getting done. We are also going to create a list of all the things we would like to do or fix to our house, price them out, and create a timeline. This way we can set out a realistic plan of action to tackle each thing. After all is said and done, we will have put so much more equity into our house!

Our Family: Kevin has had a lot of struggles with finances, but has done the right thing in terms of getting a debt counsellor. Kat is struggling with health and Kev has troubles coping. Mom and I have gotten closer as a result as she was very down about the whole circumstance which seems to never leave in regards to Kevin. Jon is working at Canada Post and is liking it. He is getting hours and I am happy about that so he can start to pay his and his familys own way and help Brian out around the house. Uncle Greg turned 70 on the 19th and they went down to Florida with Deb.

Friends: Krista sent me a gorgeous bouquet of roses for my birthday. Michelle is struggling with the breakup from Tony and her. I feel for her! All I can do is support her and listen. I know she will get through this, but it’s so tough.

Career or Work: ACTT is going through changes. Christine is leaving and JoAnne retired. That means 2 more new workers on the team, which will be a big change. Clients have voiced concerns about the change. I hope they are a good fit!

 

Following your dreams: Baby, baby, baby number 2!!! It’s all I have on my mind. That and a safe and healthly pregnancy!

Current Soundtrack: Amy Winehouse, Zeppelin, Neil, 90s alternative/grunge

TV: Watching Survivor as I type, Big Brother, Downton season 5 marathon last weekend, and Batchelor

Nathan:

How Big? 14.2kg

Clothing Size? Growing! into 2T-3T in shirts/sweaters

What/When is he eating? Everything… especially pasta, fish, peaches, peas, ‘special snack’ or fruit snacks, grapes, cucumbers, cheese, apples, applesauce

Sleep?  Soundly though the night… wakes up singing, talking to his teddy and monkey, asking mommy or daddy. Never cries, always happy!

Milestones?: learning how to blow his nose, can sing a lot of abc’s, counting, jumping, shoveling snow, singing songs, baking cakes with daddy, playdoh, colouring, crafts.

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Happy New Years!

Happy New Years! 2016 already. My how time flies…

Resolutions? Well obviously learn as much as I can about PCOS and fight it. My greatest hope is to be healthy enough for baby #2.

We spent last night watching the ball drop on the TV and I did some colouring. It was just another night here at the Lambert house. Nathan and I had a pizza dinner at Brian’s after he spent the day with Kev and the girls came over too. It was nice to see them and Nathan always has a blast with them.

I am one proud Momma. He is so much fun, singing, dancing, and playing his ‘booo’ game where he runs around the kitchen and living room and goes ‘boooo’ while shaking his head then runs the other direction. I just beam with pride. There really are no words.

Chris took down the Christmas tree today and the great job of reorganizing his new toys comes next.

As for tonight, I will relax and get some rest.

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Try Try Again..

Well I had created this blog back in August and have yet to make a post. My intentions are always good, but the follow through isn’t always there. I figure that I will begin now as 1) it will be the New Year in 2 days; and 2) I have had this nagging feeling to blog again. I had a blog back in the day and stopped writing in it over time… I am hoping to continue to blog in this one, using it as a reflective tool, diary, and a way to capture memories so I can look back over time and remember some details of our days.

So, the holidays have come and gone and I must admit…it was great! Nathan enjoyed all of the highlights of the season and is beginning to understand the whole concept of Christmas. We went to his first Christmas Parade in Grimsby and enjoyed going to the NOTL one with my parents. We put on our Christmas lights as a family, Nathan helping Daddy to put them on the tree. His favourite was our blow up Santa on the front lawn. He continuously got excited to see it blown up when we arrived at home from daycare or going out and about, and would often show his affection by saying ‘hello Mana’ when we pulled into our driveway, getting out of the car and running up to him on the lawn and giving him a kiss. Nathan also was sure to say his goodbyes to him too when he went in the house. We all went to Merry Farms in Lynden with Brian and Gail, Shiying and Jon, and David to cut our tree down. We had a lot of fun, memories were made. Decorating the tree and house was also fun this year, especially listening to Raffi’s Christmas album on repeat and dancing as a family. We got together with the Lambert’s on the 24th with all the cousins at Uncle Tim’s and Aunt Joanne’s. Nathan woke up Christmas Day and we opened presents, enjoyed breakfast and had a relaxing day. We prepped the turkey for dinner and everyone came over to celebrate and open gifts. We are so blessed to have our family with us.. I really hope everyone enjoyed themselves. Chris and I decided not to exchange gifts and to focus on family and Nathan. Nathan got a new play kitchen with food, art easel, potty, books, dominoes, a dino, chocolate, kinder surprise, fridge phonics, and a bath robe all from Santa/Mom and Dad. He got a train table from Kevin and Katerina, water bottle from Jon/Shiying, and a train, sweater, and some ornaments from Gail and other family members. He is so blessed.

So I guess to help bring everything up to speed, I thought this format may be helpful in order for me to organize my thoughts and update in areas of our life that are important. I may only have a small update in some areas, and lots to say in other areas.

 

Health: Well lots has changed over the past 3 months in terms of my health. I finally went to see Dr. Kehinde with concerns over my irregular periods over the past 2 years, hair growth, weight gain, tiredness, and generally feeling irritable and restless all the time. I did blood work and ultrasound. He basically confirmed my thoughts of me having PCOS, but wanted to send me to a specialist for my hormones and fertility. He referred me to Dr. Orlov an Endocrinologist at St. Joes who confirmed my PCOS diagnoses on November 17th, and to Dr. Cepeda a fertility/OBGYN on Nov 25th. Dr. Cepeda did extensive blood work and any other ultrasound and confirmed the PCOS. It has been a relief, and very stressful initially with my diagnoses. I have done lots of research and joined facebook groups to help with support. Mom and Chris have also been very supportive with my health and I feel that he is releived to know why I have been so difficult to live with. Good news is, Dr. Cepeda feels that in another 2 months if I stick to trying to loose weight and taking my meds as prescribed I will be on track to get pregnant again in the new year. Fingers crossed. I have been going to the gym very regularly and have lost about 8lbs over 2 months. Pretty good considering I think. This past week has been difficult in terms of stress for me at work with a colleage, and over the holidays, my eating habits have not been good. I am committed to change this and have recently purchased another fitbit to aid in my success.

Goals: Lose weight, get fit, be active, be the best Mom and Wife I can be, and to hopefully be blessed with another baby soon.

Homeowners (house, bills, happenings around 100 Athenia Dr.): Luckily our waterproofing around the house has held up (thank God!). We do need to fix our door to our garage and get new windows upstairs, but I think we are well on our way to making improvements to better our home. Our fireplace if fixed and cleaned so I enjoy it now when I am downstairs. We have new neighbours next door. Only just recently met them, they are young and seem friendly and nice. We also have a new financial advisor and have set up our RESP for Nathan.

Our Life (updates on things happening to our family and pets, current/past events, memorable moments): Our family is well. This year we haven’t really been sick with a cold or flu. Nathan seems to be healthy and we are too. Sully and Foxy are well, and Skipper is too.

Our Family: Brian is doing better now that Jon and Shiying are living with him. I think David lights up his life, Nathan does too. They love each other and it’s great to see them interact. Today they watched Nathan for the whole day and will do the same tomorrow. It is great they can help us out with we are working and need care for him. They went out for brunch, to see trains and spent time at home. Tomorrow they are going to an indoor play gym.

Nathan:

Clothing and Shoe Size? 2T, size 7

What is he eating? Everything! Loves pizza, cookies, chocolate, broccoli, peas, beans, nooey (Kraft Dinner), pasta, stir fry, hamburgers, fish

Sleep?  has always slept well through the night. Still has rails up in his crib. Has only tried to climb over once when we were in the room. Loves to sleep under the covers now and has only just begun to do this in the last week. Monkey, Teddy, BeeDee his blanket all need to be in his crib.
Movement? Walking, running, jumping, not too much of a climber in the house which is great, but loves to go to the park and go down the slide and on the swing. He loves to rake leaves in the fall with Daddy, and help build his bookcase and train table.

Words? His favourite songs are The Rainbow Song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Deck the Halls ‘Fa La La’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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